Then What?
Jul 4th, 2007 by Sonja

Emerging Grace did some writing a few weeks ago about an issue that has grabbed me by the teeth. Or hair. Or something. In any case, I can’t let go of it, or it me. We’ve been wrestling with each other, this issue and I. Neither of us bloody yet, or unbowed. But, after weeks of grappling, pondering and meditating, this issue and I are still taking the measure of one another. She wrote about the issue of leaving a church under a cloud (to put it mildly). The two posts that have me thinking the most are: Always Be Nice and Church Politics. Go read them now, and the comments if you want. I’ll wait here for you.

Yep, they really are that good, aren’t they? I thought so too. That’s why I wanted you to read them.

In any case, here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about as a result of reading her posts. One is that her most recent post, Church Politics, finally gave me a name for some of the things that have happened to me in church. I’ve been bullied in church. Who’d a thunk it? That there would be bullies in church … it’s the one place where we are supposed to be safe from such behavior. But it’s also the one place where bullies are kept safe. They learn early on how to operate, manipulate, and scheme within the system because no one can believe that such ugly things are happening in, of all places, a church!

With a nod to Grace for putting me on the trail, I found this website on bullying that is from the UK. It is quite dense and informative. It’s focus is on bullying in the workplace, but I think the crossover can be made to church quite easily. There are other sites for bullying and it’s sibling, mobbing, out there, but the UK site by Tim Fields is the most comprehensive site I found.

I spent hours on that site. Torn between flabbergasted and relief. Relief that I hadn’t imagined it; I wasn’t off my gourd or going crazy. Flabbergasted that this is so prevalent amongst adults that websites have been dedicated to it. Flabbergasted to find that my experience is far from unique. I wish it were unique. I wish that other people had not gotten hurt as I’ve been. But there it is … I’ve left a church as the result of bullying. The bully did things like:

  • bullies poison the atmosphere and actively poison people’s minds against the target
  • when close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigns victimhood and turns the focus on themselves – another example of manipulating people through their emotion of guilt, eg sympathy, feeling sorry
  • most bystanders are hoodwinked by the bully’s ruses for abdicating responsibility and evading accountability, eg “that’s all in the past, let’s focus on the future”, “what’s in the past is no longer relevant”, “you need to make a fresh start”, and “forgive and forget, you’ve got to move on”, etc.
  • the bully is often able to bewitch one especially emotionally needy bystander into being their easily controlled spokesperson / advocate / supporter / denier
  • the bully often forms an alliance with a colleague who has the same behaviour profile, thus increasing the levels of threat, fear and dysfunction
  • the bully is able to charm and manipulate a number of bystanders to act as supporters, assistants, reinforcers, appeasers, deniers, apologists and minimisers …

There were other pieces of the puzzle that fit too, but those were the glaringly obvious bits. Then I found that Mr. Fields has identified four different bully types and was astonished to discover this description in there. It is my sense that many bullies which are “called” into ministry fit in this description, so I’m posting it here for those of you who will find it useful (remember … not all of these need to be present in a person, simply a preponderance of them make a bully):

The Attention-Seeker

Motivation: to be the centre of attention
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high

  • emotionally immature
  • selectively friendly – is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
  • is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
  • overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
  • overhelpful, ditto
  • overgenerous, ditto
  • manipulative of people’s perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
  • manipulative with guilt, ditto
  • sycophantic, fawning, toadying
  • uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
  • everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
  • prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
  • capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
  • exploits others’ suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
  • misappropriates others’ statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
  • excusitis, makes excuses for everything
  • shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
  • lots of self-pity
  • often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
  • demanding of others
  • easily provoked
  • feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they’re the one being bullied and harassed
  • presents as a false victim when outwitted
  • may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
  • malicious
  • constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
  • includes Munchausen Syndrome
  • the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention
  • (italics mine for emphasis).

    What I learned, both in my actual interactions with the bully and in my later research, is that there is nothing that can be done. There is no path one can take to save face or save the relationship, or relationships that have been destroyed. Any activity is like wriggling your fingers in a Chinese finger trap … the harder you try to escape, the tighter you are enveloped in it’s clutches. There is only one method of release and that is turning around and walking away. Relax, admit defeat and walk away. Admit you are powerless, admit you have lost everything … and leave before anyone else gets hurt. So that is what I did.

    I’m alone now with my husband and one or two friends. I wonder often now, how it is that God could have left me so high and dry, so vulnerable in His house, His Body. Who is this God who abandons His child in the midst of His temple? Perhaps, then, it wasn’t His temple after all … it’s really the only conclusion I’m left with.

    »  Substance:WordPress   »  Style:Ahren Ahimsa