Smaug Makes a Comeback
I’ve felt a general dis-ease with my life for a couple of weeks. I’ve been in a weird place.
On one hand, I seem to be doing well. I’ve been laughing. I’ve been getting things done. I’ve been eating. I’ve been sleeping in what are normal patterns for me. And yet … something was askew.
I finally figured out what it was the other day. I seem to be angry a lot. It especially leaks out here in the rants that I seem to be posting lately. And I realized that I don’t like that. It’s not who I am or want to be. Part of the problem is that I’ve had no time to myself for months and my batteries are running on empty … literally. But there is another component that I could not identify.
So, yesterday I mentioned all of this to my counselor. I’ve been seeing her for two and a half years now. When I first walked into her office in February of 2006, I was very nearly hospitalized for depression and panic. It was only the support system from the LightFamily and the SheepFamily that kept me home. So she’s worked with me through quite a bit. She listened carefully, and thought it was time to administer another testing instrument. Something to look at where my head is at somewhat more objectively. So we did. And the results were not surprising, but somewhat unnerving. I scored as mid-range in mild depression – and my counselor noted disappointment at this, since I’m on some strong anti-depressants. She felt this score should have been closer to the normal range. I scored in the normal range in the panic section so that has been effectively dealt with. But then we got to anger. I scored in the “severe” range for anger … so now I have anger issues to deal with. Beautiful. (sarcasm) Just beautiful.
I’ve worked so much else out and in waltzes anger. It never seems to end and I feel overwhelmed on this road to health and wholeness.
So, I’m sorry I’ve subjected all of you to my anger, albeit without intent. But still … there it is, I did it. So I am sorry. I can only say that I will be working through this and hopefully gain more insight in the future to keep myself in check.
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Aw honey. Here’s a hug.
There’s always something new to work through, I know from experience, and it sucks. I wish I could invite you over for coffee and just listen to you, but you know I’m always here at the other end of the line.
Comment by Erin — September 24, 2008 @ 8:49 am
sorry sonja… you are loved.
Comment by Doug Jones — September 24, 2008 @ 9:17 am
You know that we stand with you as best we can through this bumpy part of the journey. You should also know that, no matter what you do or say, you’re loved. Thanks for your honesty about this.
Comment by Jamie Arpin-Ricci — September 24, 2008 @ 9:22 am
Hugs to you too, sending you lots of love.
Comment by Lyn — September 24, 2008 @ 9:42 am
I can relate especially to your feelings of anger. This has been something I’ve struggled with too, though I never had a problem with it before. Deep breaths
Comment by John — September 24, 2008 @ 10:22 am
Sonja, I just emailed you. Let me know if you don’t get. Sorry you’ve hit a rough patch.
Comment by Tracy Simmons — September 24, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Yes, the dragon is a bit cranky … I know this dragon, too. When I am sad and tired and overwhelmed (which is, um, a daily thing), responding with love is difficult and reacting with anger almost automatic. I have been going over and over that chapter in The Shack (about verbs, around page 200) lately, and was just talking with someone about it again last night. Maybe you might find time to read it again yourself.
Papa is so very fond of you, dear cHesed sister. May you know (in the Hebrew sense
) that you have company on this journey. (Get thee to a homeopath!)
Love you….
Comment by Peggy — September 24, 2008 @ 10:34 am
Sonja, I had no idea. Part of me thinks I should go easy on you when you post in the future. Then I think, “No, that would be patronizing. She wouldn’t want that.” So, you tell me, what you need or want in a comment.
Prayers and good thoughts for you and yours.
Comment by Ken Berggren — September 24, 2008 @ 8:01 pm
I appreciate your honest and vulnerability, Sonja. Also, am I allowed to say that anyone who can make references to works of Tolkien despite quirks of emotion, deserves brownie points? And I do trust that you enjoy brownies with your coffee! Praying for you, sis …
Comment by brad — September 25, 2008 @ 2:56 am
Wow … thank you all … for the love, the hugs, the caring, prayers and support. Seriously. It took me all day to process it. And I never anticipated the response. I just wanted you to know that I don’t want to be angry like this and don’t intend it.
Ken … yes, it’s been a long road and if you do a category search on Smaug here, you can find more about it. And, grace must always abound, but no, I wouldn’t want you to play anything less than fair with me.
Brad … well, actually, I don’t have brownies with my coffee … I always have brownies with ice cream
. But I do love brownies so … OTOH, Smaug has been the dragonification of my depression from the beginning. When I first fell, it felt like Gandalf falling off the cliff in the mines of Moria … which is more like the battle with the Balroc, but still, Smaug seemed like a better name.
Comment by Sonja — September 25, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Love and hugs.
Sometimes dragons shrink when they are exposed to the light. I hope you find that to be true with this particular species.
If I were your doctor, I would prescribe warm brownies with homemade ice cream and hot fudge with a smidgeon of bailey’s and a good friend to share it with.
Comment by grace — September 25, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Hugs and love, Sonja. Don’t know that I can add anything, but you’re not alone. I’m sure I’ve got a Smaug of my own simmering under the surface. Thanks for showing the courage to face him down.
Comment by Maria — September 25, 2008 @ 5:51 pm
hey sonja. we’ve all done our share of spreading around whatever muck we’re currently harboring. no apologies needed. we all have muck. at least sometimes, but mostly all the time.
Comment by cindy — September 25, 2008 @ 9:50 pm
We all have our battles…hope you win yours.
Comment by kievasfargo — September 27, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
I’ve felt a similar wave crashing over me of late. There’s a whole lot nice going on, life changing nice, so it’s not as potent as in past seasons, but it’s there.
Anger and depression–two sides of the same coin. What’s interesting is how that is likely been one of the bigger driving forces for my theology and spirituality. Theology isn’t just a matter of being right, or having everything nicely fitting together. Spirituality isn’t about showing up, doing the right actions, then having nice conversations after.
It’s literally the difference between life and death for me.
I feel this wash over me and I realize that something isn’t right. Sometimes that’s just because I’ve not been running, or it’s just a rhythmic thing, or maybe because I’m not sitting with the right focus. But it pushes me.
And I think that’s the way to tame the dragon. Ride him.
I’m still so, so immature in so many ways, so I might be wrong about that. But, I’m giving it a try.
And it affects everything I talk about, because for me I have to find that stillness or everything else breaks.
Comment by Patrick O — September 28, 2008 @ 11:28 am