I’ve felt a general dis-ease with my life for a couple of weeks. I’ve been in a weird place.
On one hand, I seem to be doing well. I’ve been laughing. I’ve been getting things done. I’ve been eating. I’ve been sleeping in what are normal patterns for me. And yet … something was askew.
I finally figured out what it was the other day. I seem to be angry a lot. It especially leaks out here in the rants that I seem to be posting lately. And I realized that I don’t like that. It’s not who I am or want to be. Part of the problem is that I’ve had no time to myself for months and my batteries are running on empty … literally. But there is another component that I could not identify.
So, yesterday I mentioned all of this to my counselor. I’ve been seeing her for two and a half years now. When I first walked into her office in February of 2006, I was very nearly hospitalized for depression and panic. It was only the support system from the LightFamily and the SheepFamily that kept me home. So she’s worked with me through quite a bit. She listened carefully, and thought it was time to administer another testing instrument. Something to look at where my head is at somewhat more objectively. So we did. And the results were not surprising, but somewhat unnerving. I scored as mid-range in mild depression – and my counselor noted disappointment at this, since I’m on some strong anti-depressants. She felt this score should have been closer to the normal range. I scored in the normal range in the panic section so that has been effectively dealt with. But then we got to anger. I scored in the “severe” range for anger … so now I have anger issues to deal with. Beautiful. (sarcasm) Just beautiful.
I’ve worked so much else out and in waltzes anger. It never seems to end and I feel overwhelmed on this road to health and wholeness.
So, I’m sorry I’ve subjected all of you to my anger, albeit without intent. But still … there it is, I did it. So I am sorry. I can only say that I will be working through this and hopefully gain more insight in the future to keep myself in check.
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